my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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