Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize