david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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