broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
why is half of my head shaved?
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