It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
