I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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