I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
