he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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