idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
