Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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