Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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