thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
