Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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