Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
