Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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