Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
