I think my fart just growled at me.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
