Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
