Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
