i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
