you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Even the bartender felt bad for me
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
