A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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