We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
