Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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