in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
