Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
