i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
