i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
