I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
