How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
