my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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