textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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