I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
