i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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