So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
