dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
