her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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