So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
