I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
