I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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