WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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