Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
this boner is exhausting
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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