if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Nicole vs. Life
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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