I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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