franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
