I think i sorta joined a cult last night
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
