wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
