we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
