I am puke
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
