you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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