i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
