I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My feet surprised me
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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