im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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