what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
