don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
