My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
