wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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