Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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