Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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