I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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