it wasn't lemon gatorade
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
