If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the condom got lost in my hair
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize