You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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