I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize