I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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